I doubted you so much.
At school we had heaps of fun doing crazy stupid shit together. But the more we hung out, the shittier you made me feel about myself. I wasn’t as pretty as you, as confident as you, as talkative, brave and funny as you.
I was the ugly, awkward quiet girl behind you.
When it was us two, you treated me well in your own kind of way, but outside, it was as if I was there for others to compare us. You, standing there; fit, beautiful and smiling that cute as smile. Then me; awkward, quiet, acne-infested, lanky and nerdy with my glasses. I don’t think you knew how hard it was for me to smile by myself. I could never even look at myself without wanting to cry. I hated mirrors, I hated my face, I hated everything I had.
When we talked today, I couldn’t accept most of the nice things you were saying.
Back then, you pointed out all my flaws. You pointed and laughed.
I was always in my little shell, and it was like every time I tried to come out you’d laugh in my face for even trying.
It’s in your nature to be brutally honest, a little self absorbed and insensitive. I don’t think you ever realised how much your words hurt. People wonder why I’m so insecure; it’s sad to say that while you’re an important person in my life, you are a big part to why I am so insecure.
That’s why you seemed too nice to be you today. I found it hard to believe anything you were saying. Even when people compliment me now I get awkward and uncomfortable, but coming from you of all people, it was really unexpected. It felt like a big joke. Like someone was sitting right next to you, and you two were giggling and laughing at me and about what to write next. I know, how fucked is that? But from the things you mentioned, it seemed very genuine.
So I’m so incredibly sorry for doubting you and our friendship. I never knew you really cared about me.
I cherish our you and friendship, as crazy, complicated and strange as it is.
I don’t say it enough, but I love you.
You are one of the most beautiful and toughest people I know.
I don’t pity you, if anything it’s the selfish part of me wanting to keep you in my life; healthy, beautiful and above all, happy.
I miss you.
We’ve both changed so much since I left but I never feel a distance between us.
You don’t deserve all the shit life throws at you. I’d do anything for me to carry all that weight you have on your shoulders. It’s been too long since I’ve seen you relaxed and genuinely happy.
I just don’t want you to be scared, or get hurt. I want you to be nothing but happy because you really deserve it.
I waste and take so many things in my life for granted - time, money, people…
I want to give it all to you. You deserve so much more than I have.
Always, always, always, I’ll love you.
I don’t have to ask you to stay strong because I know you are.
But I’m going to selfish and ask you to stay, stay alive and be happy.
I don’t think this post even makes sense and I have an exam in a few hours, but I can’t think straight. I called but you didn’t pick up, I’ve texted you but you probably won’t reply for a while.
All I’m thinking about is you because it’s your birthday and I’m not there celebrating with you like I usually am. I hope so so so much, even to the heavens, fate, whatever I need to believe in that it’s not your last.
hate being home alone so often
cant wait to go back home to sydney